I am arguably avoiding writing on the book by coming over here to talk about how I'm avoiding writing on the book. It's been...slow going. But I'm nearing the end, and if I were to look back on past major projects, I bet we'd see the same slowdown pattern.
I've been trying so hard to just focus on what I'm doing and maybe the next step in the process (one I'm feeling my way on, frankly), so that I can avoid my typical overwhelm. I feel better about and more equal to this task than to similar ones in the past, but the specter of insecurity and self-sabotage looms large. It's a pattern I'm determined not to repeat, and yet....I've slowed down. Impossible not to freak out a little as you see the end in sight. Impossible for me not to, anyway. And it's the biggest thing I ever made.
I remember the long slog to finish my Masters thesis, lo these many years ago, and the thing that finally got me there was a simple question. What are you afraid of? Now, to be clear, it's not always fear. Sometimes it's pure laziness, or competing priorities, lack of interest, or whatever. But probably there's a little fear in there too. At least for me, since I'm mostly built that way.
And I won't lie. Telling the absolute truth comes somewhat easy to me, but sending it out into the world is...well, I'm obviously impelled to, but it's not not scary. I think most people could relate to that. Here are my insides, bunch of total strangers. Enjoy!
There's a chance they won't. There's a bigger chance very few people will even read it. There's the question of what on earth to do next. I guess one reason to fear the climb to the summit is not knowing how you're going to get down again. But I know the answer: one step at a time.
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